People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
The morning after pill, but for tweets
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.