Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
You Might Also Like
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
The biggest mystery of our time
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️