*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Who knew!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.