“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.