If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
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If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Me :
All Day At Night
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun