The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Sunday
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”