Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
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The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash