Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
stop
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
checking out some reviews of my local library