Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.