I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment