How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
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The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
first you must answer his riddles
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel