Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
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If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.