[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
*seductively eats two tums*
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses