bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
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My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Put this video in the Louvre
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life