[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
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Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
my fav colour is also hitler
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.