my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
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I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
🤣🤣🤣
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.