Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.