“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
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Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
opening twitter today
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…