When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.