Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
You Might Also Like
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I bet birds love this building.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god