[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
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Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?