Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
doing your own taxes
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda