I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard