thanksgiving should be called feaster
You Might Also Like
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Sticker placement is key.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.