me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
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I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Who called it baking and not making love
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that