The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
You Might Also Like
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.