The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free