me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
that colleague who touches your screen
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Twitter fine art
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules