Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
You Might Also Like
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.