Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
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Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
#MeanwhileInCanada
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner