PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
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According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
A friend helps you before you need it
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.