Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
You Might Also Like
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start