I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
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Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
lmfao come on
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.