Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Awesome parenting 😂
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Skills
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.