July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?