The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
You Might Also Like
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
what day is it?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday