I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The Onion called it…again.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk