You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Breaking news:
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?