I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
💁🏻♂️
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Mmmm. Shoeshi
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?