Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
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Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE