*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
You Might Also Like
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
getting corrected
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun