Why would I want to fund a crowd?
You Might Also Like
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I love wikipedia
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.