[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
You Might Also Like
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.