Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
You Might Also Like
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
What do you hear?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Best table by far
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants