Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
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*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?