[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.