Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
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Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
British people be like I’m Bri ish
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs