Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Based Erika
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.