They also CAN sing✌️
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My what?
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
What about second breakfast?