If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?